Mom's a Grouch

So, yesterday Mom didn't get up until wayyyyyy after breakfast time. I was starving, and I needed to go OUT. But I am good dog, so I didn't wake her up and I didn't do bad things. Then she gave me boring food even though I know there is pizza in the fridge. (Yep, Mom was BAD on Friday night, and got herself a pizza. I had some because I knocked the box off the stove with my nose. That'll teach her a lesson.)

Then she didn't take me for a walk even though the sun was nice and it was hot. OK, hot for me, but probly nice for Mom. Nope, I just sat in the melting snow pile in the back yard while Mom sat in front of this type-y thing and clicked. (Yes, I could hear, all the way from outside; I'm a DOG, I have good, if selective, hearing) [Note from Mom: I have five articles to write THIS WEEKEND. Time for walks? Not this weekend. Let's hope it's still nice tomorrow.] And she went up and down the stairs lots of times. [Mom note: Laundry. I had lots. I don't have a natural fur coat, so I must wash clothes from time to time.]

Finally it was dinner time, and Mom didn't let me in until AFTER she ate leftover pizza. I got the pizza bones [crusts] and got to lick the plate, but that's not like she's sharing. Then more boring dog food. It's OK. I think buffalos and deers must taste pretty good before they get turned into kibble. I've never seen a buffalo. [apparently she has a short memory; she has said this before. Mom]

But this morning, oh this morning! Mom baked something in the BIG white box with the stove on top (she didn't mix it up in a bowl first so it wasn't as good as the usual things that come out from there) and then put frostings on them. She took TWO on a plate with a cup of that icky stuff she drinks in the morning, and went to sit on the couch. I went to sit beside her. She said "Shoo!" (like that's gonna work. What am I, a bug? No, I am DOG!) and when she had a bite of one of the round things from her plate and held the rest of it in her hand, I took it and ran to my den under the table. Ha! She didn't even want it back. (Funny, because she lets me lick her hands and face. Why won't she eat food if my tongue touches it?)[ick. Mom] Then she finished the second one except for the last bite, because I eat fast and I got that too. She was mad. I told her we could share another, but she said our arteries were already clogging. I don't know what that means but it sounds bad. But the round frosted things were really good.

OK, Mom wants the type-y thing back. See you later!
WOOF! and ROOOooooo.
Kimiko

Barking. And Hats.

I'd start this with a whine if I knew how to spell one. Dogs can't talk human talk. That should be obvious. When some idiot human thinks that her dog is saying "Mama" that's just dog words that sound like human words to her. Duh. Mom would tell you things about vocal cores (?), palette (?) shapes, tongues, and stuff, but what it comes down to is that dogs speak dogs, and humans speak human. And we understand a lot more human speak than YOU do dog speak.

Mom gets some of my language because she's linguist (what that means is she understands a lot of people speech, but also that she gets communication - bit word but I know it). She knows that the RooOooOoo is me telling her that I'm really glad to see her but what I really want is a treat, right now. And sometimes it means, "OK, I'll do what you want, but I'm not happy about it" but that's a different tone, and she recognizes that too. She knows that I have a speech for people I know and love, one for people I don't know but that aren't getting too close, and one for strangers who are getting much too close for me to be happy about it. She calls it the "stranger danger" bark, and that is pretty much what it is. I am warning her. I also have a play growl and a growl for bad people that I only had to use once. (You think we can't tell who bad people are? We're lots smarter about it than you are. If your dog doesn't like your boyfriend or girlfriend, you should think twice before getting involved with that person! Remember, we love you!)

But sometimes dogs bark just because we feel like it. When the moon comes up, we like to howl. That doesn't mean we're lonely or unhappy; it's left over from when we were wolves, and we're telling all the dogs who can hear exactly where we are and that we'd like to get together. But we all have fences and things so we can't get together now. And sometimes during the day we just want to bark. Mom will come out and tell me to be quiet, but I don't tell her to be quiet when she walks around making that awful howl she calls singing. Ouch. But I love her, so I let it go. But humans, try to understand that sometimes your dog just needs a good bark, to get it out of her system.

I have a bark word for one other thing: humans in hats. I don't care what kind of hat it is, I don't like them. So I tell them that I don't like them. Even if it's a hood from a jacket that they pull up, I don't like it. And I don't trust them. (that's another lesson you humans could learn: never trust another human who is wearing a hat!). Hats are bad. I don't know how I know this, I just do. bad. Bad hats. Sometimes Mom gets silly and puts on a hat in the house. I bark at her until she takes it off. Sometimes it's cold and she puts on that dumb hat she made for herself, and gets ready to go outside. I stand in front of the door and bark until she takes the stupid thing off. It is bad! Bad, bad hat! And if she wears it outside something bad will happen. Again, I don't know how I know this, but I do. Hats are bad, and bad things will happen if you wear them! So don't wear hats! And don't trust people who do.

I'm going to take a nap now. This took a lot out of me. Listen to Kimiko; I am smarter than you think!

Saturday!

It's Saturday but we're not going to the dog park. Mom says it's too cold. I have an ear infection and she puts nasty slimy stuff in my ears. I don't like it, but then she gives me a treat after that so it's not so bad. Mom says her ear has an infection too but she doesn't have drops, she swallows things. That's not fair.

My neighbor dog is named Lennon. I just found that out. Mom says he's named for a famous musician. The only music I like is Los Lonely Boys -- I made Mom buy me one of their CDs, so when she plays it I can lie on the rug in between the speakers and listen to them sing and play. I love them. I want another CD but Mom says most dogs don't have any so I'm lucky. Oh, and Lennon's mom says that when he's bigger he can come and play with me in my yard! We sort of play together now. He's on a long leash thing, and when I'm in my yard and I run he runs along on his side of the fence, but he can't go as far as he wants because of the leash thing. I'm glad I have a fence and not a leash thing. Leashes are good for walking but not good if they make you stop.

I have to go bark now. This is for moms... and dads too, I guess. I like Lennon's dad but I don't like his friend; the friend wears a hat and I HATE hats. hate them hate them. I won't let mom out of the house if she tries to put one on her head. Silly humans.