Barking. And Hats.

I'd start this with a whine if I knew how to spell one. Dogs can't talk human talk. That should be obvious. When some idiot human thinks that her dog is saying "Mama" that's just dog words that sound like human words to her. Duh. Mom would tell you things about vocal cores (?), palette (?) shapes, tongues, and stuff, but what it comes down to is that dogs speak dogs, and humans speak human. And we understand a lot more human speak than YOU do dog speak.

Mom gets some of my language because she's linguist (what that means is she understands a lot of people speech, but also that she gets communication - bit word but I know it). She knows that the RooOooOoo is me telling her that I'm really glad to see her but what I really want is a treat, right now. And sometimes it means, "OK, I'll do what you want, but I'm not happy about it" but that's a different tone, and she recognizes that too. She knows that I have a speech for people I know and love, one for people I don't know but that aren't getting too close, and one for strangers who are getting much too close for me to be happy about it. She calls it the "stranger danger" bark, and that is pretty much what it is. I am warning her. I also have a play growl and a growl for bad people that I only had to use once. (You think we can't tell who bad people are? We're lots smarter about it than you are. If your dog doesn't like your boyfriend or girlfriend, you should think twice before getting involved with that person! Remember, we love you!)

But sometimes dogs bark just because we feel like it. When the moon comes up, we like to howl. That doesn't mean we're lonely or unhappy; it's left over from when we were wolves, and we're telling all the dogs who can hear exactly where we are and that we'd like to get together. But we all have fences and things so we can't get together now. And sometimes during the day we just want to bark. Mom will come out and tell me to be quiet, but I don't tell her to be quiet when she walks around making that awful howl she calls singing. Ouch. But I love her, so I let it go. But humans, try to understand that sometimes your dog just needs a good bark, to get it out of her system.

I have a bark word for one other thing: humans in hats. I don't care what kind of hat it is, I don't like them. So I tell them that I don't like them. Even if it's a hood from a jacket that they pull up, I don't like it. And I don't trust them. (that's another lesson you humans could learn: never trust another human who is wearing a hat!). Hats are bad. I don't know how I know this, I just do. bad. Bad hats. Sometimes Mom gets silly and puts on a hat in the house. I bark at her until she takes it off. Sometimes it's cold and she puts on that dumb hat she made for herself, and gets ready to go outside. I stand in front of the door and bark until she takes the stupid thing off. It is bad! Bad, bad hat! And if she wears it outside something bad will happen. Again, I don't know how I know this, but I do. Hats are bad, and bad things will happen if you wear them! So don't wear hats! And don't trust people who do.

I'm going to take a nap now. This took a lot out of me. Listen to Kimiko; I am smarter than you think!