Mom's a Grouch

So, yesterday Mom didn't get up until wayyyyyy after breakfast time. I was starving, and I needed to go OUT. But I am good dog, so I didn't wake her up and I didn't do bad things. Then she gave me boring food even though I know there is pizza in the fridge. (Yep, Mom was BAD on Friday night, and got herself a pizza. I had some because I knocked the box off the stove with my nose. That'll teach her a lesson.)

Then she didn't take me for a walk even though the sun was nice and it was hot. OK, hot for me, but probly nice for Mom. Nope, I just sat in the melting snow pile in the back yard while Mom sat in front of this type-y thing and clicked. (Yes, I could hear, all the way from outside; I'm a DOG, I have good, if selective, hearing) [Note from Mom: I have five articles to write THIS WEEKEND. Time for walks? Not this weekend. Let's hope it's still nice tomorrow.] And she went up and down the stairs lots of times. [Mom note: Laundry. I had lots. I don't have a natural fur coat, so I must wash clothes from time to time.]

Finally it was dinner time, and Mom didn't let me in until AFTER she ate leftover pizza. I got the pizza bones [crusts] and got to lick the plate, but that's not like she's sharing. Then more boring dog food. It's OK. I think buffalos and deers must taste pretty good before they get turned into kibble. I've never seen a buffalo. [apparently she has a short memory; she has said this before. Mom]

But this morning, oh this morning! Mom baked something in the BIG white box with the stove on top (she didn't mix it up in a bowl first so it wasn't as good as the usual things that come out from there) and then put frostings on them. She took TWO on a plate with a cup of that icky stuff she drinks in the morning, and went to sit on the couch. I went to sit beside her. She said "Shoo!" (like that's gonna work. What am I, a bug? No, I am DOG!) and when she had a bite of one of the round things from her plate and held the rest of it in her hand, I took it and ran to my den under the table. Ha! She didn't even want it back. (Funny, because she lets me lick her hands and face. Why won't she eat food if my tongue touches it?)[ick. Mom] Then she finished the second one except for the last bite, because I eat fast and I got that too. She was mad. I told her we could share another, but she said our arteries were already clogging. I don't know what that means but it sounds bad. But the round frosted things were really good.

OK, Mom wants the type-y thing back. See you later!
WOOF! and ROOOooooo.
Kimiko

Barking. And Hats.

I'd start this with a whine if I knew how to spell one. Dogs can't talk human talk. That should be obvious. When some idiot human thinks that her dog is saying "Mama" that's just dog words that sound like human words to her. Duh. Mom would tell you things about vocal cores (?), palette (?) shapes, tongues, and stuff, but what it comes down to is that dogs speak dogs, and humans speak human. And we understand a lot more human speak than YOU do dog speak.

Mom gets some of my language because she's linguist (what that means is she understands a lot of people speech, but also that she gets communication - bit word but I know it). She knows that the RooOooOoo is me telling her that I'm really glad to see her but what I really want is a treat, right now. And sometimes it means, "OK, I'll do what you want, but I'm not happy about it" but that's a different tone, and she recognizes that too. She knows that I have a speech for people I know and love, one for people I don't know but that aren't getting too close, and one for strangers who are getting much too close for me to be happy about it. She calls it the "stranger danger" bark, and that is pretty much what it is. I am warning her. I also have a play growl and a growl for bad people that I only had to use once. (You think we can't tell who bad people are? We're lots smarter about it than you are. If your dog doesn't like your boyfriend or girlfriend, you should think twice before getting involved with that person! Remember, we love you!)

But sometimes dogs bark just because we feel like it. When the moon comes up, we like to howl. That doesn't mean we're lonely or unhappy; it's left over from when we were wolves, and we're telling all the dogs who can hear exactly where we are and that we'd like to get together. But we all have fences and things so we can't get together now. And sometimes during the day we just want to bark. Mom will come out and tell me to be quiet, but I don't tell her to be quiet when she walks around making that awful howl she calls singing. Ouch. But I love her, so I let it go. But humans, try to understand that sometimes your dog just needs a good bark, to get it out of her system.

I have a bark word for one other thing: humans in hats. I don't care what kind of hat it is, I don't like them. So I tell them that I don't like them. Even if it's a hood from a jacket that they pull up, I don't like it. And I don't trust them. (that's another lesson you humans could learn: never trust another human who is wearing a hat!). Hats are bad. I don't know how I know this, I just do. bad. Bad hats. Sometimes Mom gets silly and puts on a hat in the house. I bark at her until she takes it off. Sometimes it's cold and she puts on that dumb hat she made for herself, and gets ready to go outside. I stand in front of the door and bark until she takes the stupid thing off. It is bad! Bad, bad hat! And if she wears it outside something bad will happen. Again, I don't know how I know this, but I do. Hats are bad, and bad things will happen if you wear them! So don't wear hats! And don't trust people who do.

I'm going to take a nap now. This took a lot out of me. Listen to Kimiko; I am smarter than you think!

More About Music and Food

I know I've said how good food is -- but it really is. Now here are two things. Aunt Shari says that there's a really good kind of food for me that comes in little cans. Mom says it would take 10 of those cans for each meal, and that costs too much. You know, I've seen her bring her food home from the human food store, and she never says anything SHE likes costs too much. Does that seem fair?

Here's another thing. When I was a puppy my Mom said I had a problem with my puppy food because it had corns in it. She had to look and look to find a food with no corns. (I don't know what those are, but Caryn gave me popcorns once and they were very tasty, but my behind made noises afterwards. Is that why corns are bad?)Anyway Mom found a food with no corns, but when I was 1 year old she got me a new food with no corns. About a year ago she started adding another food to it. These are dry crunchy foods and that's good because I like to crunch. I can even crunch up bones with my big white teeth. But why does she mix two foods? She says the new food has buffalo and deer in it. I've seen deer and I don't think they would fit into the bags she brings home. I don't know what a buffalo is but Mom says they're bigger than deer. The new food tastes good though, so I guess it's OK. It's just that she never seems to mix things together that she eats, and she puts her food in the white box that makes it hot. My food is always cold. Not really cold, but not hot. Does that seem fair?

Mom says that before I was born she had an Akita named Kato. I know she did because I can smell Kato in this house, even though Mom can't anymore. It's very faint, but I know she was here. I have some of her toys, too. Anyway, Mom said Kato watched the television box and had a favorite show. I don't much like television, especially when it's stupid humans talking, but I do like it when there are things moving really fast. Mostly during the day Mom makes it so music comes out. It's OK, just different humans howling things. But one day I heard the most awesome howling I ever heard coming out. I ran to the TV and looked, but there was no good picture, just this wonderful howling. I sat and listened until it stopped and different howling started. The box started playing the wonderful howling bunches of times every day, and when I ran to the TV to see, Mom finally came too. She said that the howling was Los Lonely Boys. They didn't sound like a lonely howl, though; it sounded like a happy howl. Finally Mom brought home one of those round flat things that she puts in the black box sometimes; it makes howling when she doesn't have the TV howling on. And there was a long time of Los Lonely Boys howling! Their same howl, but different ways, for almost an hour. Or more. Or less. I can't tell time. I laid down on the floor with my head right in the middle of the two boxes the sound comes out of, and listened to them howl. Oh, it is so wonderful! Mom should play it every day, but she doesn't love them like I do. Then I heard them on the TV box with a howl that isn't on the long round flat thing. I told Mom I wanted that howl too, but she says it's a CD and most dogs don't get any CDs at all so I'm lucky to have one. She has piles and piles of them, I think she should get me another one. If you think so too, please tell Mom to get me more of Los Lonely Boys! She says she "doesn't like them that much" but I do, and this is my house too, right? I want more howls! Doesn't that sound fair? More howls for Kimiko!

A Little About Love

Yesterday -- or maybe the day before -- I don't remember, let me start over. OK. One night Mom went to bed early; I could tell she was sad, even though she kissed me good night like always and told me what a good dog I am. I usually go to bed on the couch when she does, then later I sneak into her room and sleep at the foot of her bed, just in case she needs me. The morning after she went to bed sad, I jumped up when she got up and when she came around the bed I wagged my tail and swung my head at her, and when she bent down to pet me I licked her face and hands and rubbed my head and neck all over her while I wagged my tail. She had a big smile when we went to the kitchen for breakfast.

Sometimes humans say that dogs are best friends. Here's a secret: we love you. If you are sad or lonely, find a dog. Dogs love you more than any human can, because we don't want anything from you. Sure, we like cookies and food and naps, but if you don't give us treats we love you anyway. We don't care if you think you're fat or if your hair sticks out. We don't care what your clothes look like or if you took a bath today (sometimes we like it better if you didn't, but that'a different secret). All we want is to be with you as much as we can. If you have to be gone, that's OK, we'll wait. We'll wait as long as it takes. And we are SO happy when you come back! We're happier than any human could be, except maybe a baby, but babies want more things and need a lot more (we'd help more with them but you need thumbs to change diapers. Leave the diaper off and we'd clean up!)

When I was really really little, Mom said that she loved me, and that she would never ever leave me alone. She might have to be gone a few days, and I'd go to camp (I LOVE dog camp! But that's another story), but she'd always come and get me, and she always does. Sometimes when she looks sad I push my face at her to remind her of her promise, and she sees how much I love her and she's happy again. It's easy to love humans because most of them are good, especially when they have dogs, and they take care of bad humans the same way that a wolf pack takes care of a bad wolf. Only with less teeth showing. Even when Mom takes a chew bone away or yells at me, I love her. Even when she's not here I love her.

So humans, remember: dogs love you. We really do.